Tugboats and Arson

I often have very out there thoughts. For me, these are the types of thoughts that I really flesh out over long periods of time. So often I’ll spring an idea on a friend and inevitably they say, “This type of stuff keeps you up at night, huh?” and I’ll normally reply, somewhat sheepishly, with a “Yeah.” Well, in a bizarre twist of oddities, through my watching of the movie Know1ng and listening to SModcast, I have an interesting writing exercise and thought experiment I’m going to try. The basic premise is this: For sake of argument I have an inoperable brain tumor. I feel no ill effects from it. I’m the same person I was before it happened in every way, shape, and form. However, because of this, I’m going to die in two days. At the end of the 48 hours of me knowing about this, I will be no more, I’ll cease to be. The mission, as I have to choose to accept it, is what do I do with my time left.

it’s certainly something interesting to think about. I figure I would basically eat at all the best places I could and whenever I want. I figure I’d also drink a shit-ton of energy drinks because I’d want to be as alert as possible and awake as much as possible. I’d try to spend as much time as possible with family and friends, but I think I’d like to be alone in the last few moments. I’d like to think that there’s more important things in life, but I’d definitely like to beat off every chance I got. I mean, how could you not want to spend your last few moments in ecstasy. There’s a lot of things people say they’d like to do before they die in regards to travel. However, what I like about this thought experiment is that that is essentially thrown out. I don’t have time to see Rome or Germany with only two days left. It’s just enough to say the things I’d like to say to the people I need to say them to and that’s about it. If there’s one thing that’ I’d love to do is have a movie night with my friends. I never worry about my problems or life in general during those times. The only pain I’d ever feel in those times is from laughing too hard. I really can’t think of anything that I’d rather do, that wouldn’t involve a lot of planning. I’m sure some of my friends would drop everything to just hang out and watch movies. Truthfully, those that wouldn’t I can’t see them being too much of my friends anyways. It would certainly be interesting to see.

Also, as weird as it sounds, I can’t see myself committing any wanton crimes. I know the world will still be around after my two days, so I can’t imagine doing any harm that will be left in my wake. I’ve always said that I’d love to just get a giant sword and go unleash havoc in a major city video game style, but I really can’t see myself doing that. I know I certainly wouldn’t go on a rape/pillage rampage either. Continuing in that vein, I can’t see myself propositioning anyone else for sex either. As I’ve said, the world will continue on after me. Being a virgin, the last thing I’d need is for someone’s last memory of me is being mediocre at best at sex.

Yes, these are the types of things that keep me up at night.

I’m almost at  the one year mark. One year of pain, distrust, anger, depression, and a litany of other emotions. I’ve had some of the best times of my life and some of the saddest. At times I felt like I could conquer the world, others I just wanted to curl up and die. I really can’t understand how people keep putting up with this stuff. As obvious as I’ve made it, I’m very much into podcasts. One I listen to every week is the Savage Love podcast. It is hosted by a wonderful man, Dan Savage. I’ve come to learn a lot about relationships from him, and his advice was a small, but significant factor in my breaking up. One quote from Dan that has come up on quite a number of occasions when he gives advice is, “All relationships fail until one doesn’t.”  On a rational level, he is 100% correct. That being the case, and I being who I am, I can’t argue with that advice. It makes perfect sense to me. However, I just can’t seem to believe it.

To quote my favorite TV show, The X-Files, “I want to believe.” I really do. The hopeless romantic in me wants to feel like I’ll eventually find someone…blah blah blah…happily ever after.  Yet, I’m just one year away from some of the most painful moments in my life and I can’t imagine putting myself into a situation like that again. People will obviously tell me that I’m still young and that I have plenty of time before giving up. It’s hard to say that I am giving up though. I want nothing more than to find someone I’ll spend the rest of my life with. The only problem is that I thought I did have that. I gave my full trust and love to this one person. Eight years of building, what I thought, was a solid, stable relationship. I didn’t know what love was, but I felt it. And, essentially, without my say-so, it was over, taken away from me. It’s mind-blowing that someone could do that to someone else. Like I said, eight years of building such strong feelings for someone to have those feelings just completed erased. It doesn’t make logical sense to me, but that’s the world I’ve lived through.

I certainly don’t want to be with her again, but I do want to move on. It’s unfortunate that this person who stopped feeling love for me can move on so easily, yet I can’t shake these thoughts at all. I want nothing more that to move on. I want to find someone. I want to be happy. I just can’t. My guard will forever be up…X-Files time again…Trust No One.

Lately, I’ve been listening to a rather interesting podcast. Tying into my last post, I’ve been on quite the Kevin Smith kick. Therefore, I’ve been going through the backlog of SModcast and loving each and every one of them. In one particular episode, Kevin touched on something that I thought was very interesting and I felt that I could weigh in on it as well. This, going along with what I’ve been going through, might help me get some sort of perspective on things. Of all things, what was being discussed, was romantic love.

This discussion will begin with a class I took in college that related to human sexuality and the ideals of evolution. At the basest level, humans are only trying to pass their genes on to the next generation. Males, are looking to pass their genes on as much as possible, and thus try to copulate with as many women as possible. Women, on the other hand, want to see their offspring survive, therefore they assume roles that care and nurture. These are obviously broad generalizations painted by someone who doesn’t know much, but still this my best guess as the gist of the argument.

This is why, in nature, you rarely see “couples” or the like, because, for example, cats only get together to mate and that’s the extent of it. Therefore, it is obvious that monogamy is a rarity in the animal kingdom as they are acting on basic primal instincts. On an intellectual level I find it bizarre that we are shocked, shocked that people get cheated on on a constant basis.

Getting back to the episode, what Kevin was discussing was that the idea of romantic love, based on all of this other discussion, is a foreign concept to most animals. Not only is it foreign, but almost unnatural. Essentially you are throwing away your genetic and evolutionary predispositions in exchange for following societal norms. Kevin, therefore, finds the idea of romantic love to be even more special and beautiful in light of all of this.

I never really thought of it like that, but I must agree. I never imagined that a specific emotion could be an evolutionary trait but upon reflection, it makes perfect sense. Going along with that, it’s implausible to have grandiose ideals about “The One”. I’m not saying that given enough time, one can romantically love anyone, but it stands to reason that you can find love in multiple places. While I’m having a hell of a time moving on, I must persevere…my genes depend on it.

So there I was going through the catalog of Kevin Smith movies. One night, I watched Dogma. The next I watch Clerks and Clerks 2. Tonight, I was watching Chasing Amy and I hear this monologue. It’s weird that something so succinctly sums up how I’ve felt recently, and yet it’s so apparent that I could never come up with something so beautiful. Regardless, my hat is off to you Mr. Smith and it forever shall be.

I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the, the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it.  I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship – no pun intended – but I had to say it, because I’ve never felt this way before. And, I don’t care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But, God,  I just, I  couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, your know,  I’ll accept that. But I know, I know, that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask is, please, is that you just not dismiss that and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that. And even if, you know,  even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that  I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me, which – while I do appreciate it – I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here and alot has happened so I figure I need to write. The first week of the play is over and I consider it to be a great success. After all of the hell we went through it was awesome to see large audiences for two of the performances. Hopefully, the numbers will continue to pour in.

Now onto the reason for writing. As I’ve posted before, I’ve been rather depressed lately and hoped that working on this show would help. I must say, it sort of has. To begin, I will say that infatuation is a marvelous emotion. I would rank it higher than love. To put it in musical terms, well my musical terms (to real students this might not make sense); but, I see love as the background baseline, always present but not intruding. Infatuation on the other hand is the loud powerful guitar riff. Right there in the forefront of your mind with you unable to shake it at all. Well let’s just say that that is where I’m at.

I’m head over heels (if I may use a ridiculous cliche) for this one girl in the show. I want nothing more than to just spend hours talking to her to get to know her better. However, as my luck normally goes, she’s with someone else. Well, if I may continue to use inappropriate phrases, I completely broke character, grew some balls, and actually talked to her and told her how I felt. Never before had I felt so vulnerable. While it was mortifying, it was also a major relief. Maybe, I should be open and direct with people I fancy (Sorry, I’m on a roll) in the future. It’s a whole new me, so look out world!

Anyways, I didn’t really recieve a grand romantic gesture back like you always see in the movies (fuckin’ movies). It’s obvious that she’s not breaking up with her boyfriend anytime soon, and I must admit that it wasn’t my intention at all (I’m not that much of an asshole, hehe). I felt it was just the right time to speak my mind and heart and so I did. Now, don’t get me wrong, it would rock to date her and see where things end up. I am very hopeful and romantic when it comes to thinking about the future, but on the flip side I’m also realistic. Nothing will probably happen and I’ll continue my hunt elsewhere. However, I must say I’m enjoying myself right now, my self-esteem is through the roof.  Here’s to hoping that some things, do in fact, change.

This will be just a short post telling everyone about a long post I’m working on. At rehearsal for the play I’m assistant directing the topic came up about the AFI Top 100 Movie Quotes. The next day at lunch with a friend, Joe, the same topic came up with a twist. As a joke, I said that my top 100 would probably be different than the AFI’s. He laughed and agreed. Thinking about it more, I decided it would be a neat idea and also a fun exercise. Seeing how fun the music listening one went, I figured, “Why not?”

So in the coming weeks I’ll be posting my top 100 movie quotes ever. As of right now I have about 60. I read on the AFI website that they collected 400 then pared it down to the top 100. I don’t think I’ll collect that many, but I will certainly post the results.

6,240 times. Six thousand-two hundred and forty times, I heard the work Cackalack in one week. Jesus tapdancing Christ. I stuck with it though and in the end it came out a tie. I should now be an honorary member of South Carolina or at the very least it’s Governor. Anyways, I must say that I had a lot of fun with this experiment. I’m definately up for trying something similar in the future.

How do senses of humor develop or for that matter even begin? I wish I could figure that out. I have a very bizarre sense of humor and also have abnormal thoughts on comedy.

Whilest tooting my own horn, I feel that I am a genuinely funny person. My one friend even commented that I also have great comedic timing, something that cannot be taught. Because of this, I love stand- up comedians to the point that I feel like a connesuer. Also, because of this, my abhorrence for people who try to be funny and aren’t cannot be easily matched.

This leads me to my odd thoughts on comedy. I feel that “funny” is an inate, almost scientific trait in things. Things are either funny or they aren’t. Just like with sight and smell, there’s no judgement call. The sky is blue and oranges smell citrusy and that is that. To all the people who say the sky is every color except blue and that is the color on the visible spectrum that is reflected back to our eyes, well you can fuck right off. I know scientifically you’re right, but still, don’t be a dick.

This is also where people differ. Chocolate tastes like chocolate no matter what; however, people make the judgement that chocolate tastes good or it doesn’t. I don’t think that works with comedy. There is good comedy, but I can’t think of an example of bad comedy. George Carlin is good comedy. Dane Cook isn’t bad comedy, that bastard just isn’t funny.

I’m not all too sure about this, but it’s just another thing that keeps me up at night. But anyways, I’ve also noticed that my comedic tendencies lead to dark stuff; and darker as I get older. I laugh at things that no one should laugh at and make very off color jokes in the presence of my friends. It always is for shock and I normally mean no harm by it, but others normally find it rather offputting.

The best representation I can find for my humor is the popular podcast, Distorted View. It is singlehandedly the most vile, offensive 30 minutes I look forward to everyday. It’s hard to talk alot about this with other people right off the bat. With my newfound singleness I don’t consider it a marketable trait either. But who knows. If a girl can enjoy a good cum-fart sound effect, lemme know where she is.

First off, this weeks song-off competition is awful. I didn’t pick the right song and Somcak loves it. I, on the othe hand, loathe the song I have. I have been listening to it, but it’s awful. So awful that in a song that is less than three minutes long the word Cackolack is said 52 friggin’ times. Argh! It’s absolutely infuriating.

Development 2: Unbeknownst to me, the author who wrote the book I described in my very first post, read the post and commented on his blog. I’m taken aback. Never did I think pthat my small-time musings would gain any readership, but apparently this “world wide web” has some reach. I must thank David Bowick for the kind words, the link, and most importantly, the wonderful book he penned.

VICTORY IS MINE!!!  THE DAY OF REDEMPTION IS AT HAND! REPENT AND THOU SHALL BE SAVED!

*ahem*

So yeah, I spent at least 4 minutes of every waking hour this week listening to the Behemoth song, “Ov Fire and the Void” off of their new album Evangelion. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought…Unfortunately, that has ended.  And now, round 2 will begin tomorrow. I have selected for Somcak a bizarre cutesy German song called “Das Kleine Krokodil” by Schnappi. I was hoping that it was so annoying it would drive her mad, but she seems to be liking it thus far. I, on the other hand, have been given the task of enduring some Canadian yee-haw song called “95 South” by The Duhks. Guh, how un-metal. Ah well, my competitive nature shall not fail me now.